Monday, March 8, 2010

Seeing the spiral

And I don't like it. Not one bit.

Ok, so last week sucked. David had foot surgery. Work was hell. I felt like $hit (still do). And I'd swear if I didn't know better that something took over my mind. Today, it hit me. We are almost to the one year mark from when I was hospitalized.

I thought maybe it would come and go without much ado. But I feared a major freak-out. And I can see that approaching. I knew it was coming up, but the panic is just now setting in. I can't breathe, yet I feel like I'm hyperventilating. My head is spinning. I can't concentrate. How do I deal? After talking with a few people, I've decided that the big shin-dig I was going to do for M's birthday has to wait. Maybe until her due date or going home date. Maybe cancelling any thing big would keep me sane. Guess not.

How do I deal with knowing that one year ago, very possibly at this exact moment, I was having silent contractions that would forever change my daughter's life? I should have done something. I should have called the doctor earlier. I should have stayed home. I am her mommy, but I couldn't protect her. She is paying for whatever I did for failed to do. I pray that none of you will ever know that feeling.

1 comment:

  1. it's so hard reliving the lead-up to these life-changing events. hopefully it is helped some by having a positive outcome to this scary time of your life. i know you feel that you could have done more for maryn. but whenever you look at her, i hope you also feel a sense of wow, this is the little girl who is here because of me.