Sunday, March 14, 2010

OYA 3/14

I really don't wanna do this. But Maryn deserves it.

Woke up to Doc H coming in for"the" exam. Fun! And it even included cotton swabs since there was so much blood. Then things started happening so fast I don't know what happened first. I got an IV and catheter quickly. They tipped my bed about 30* so I was on my head, so to speak. I was ordered to not get up AT ALL. FOR ANY REASON. Doc H was at my right side. I was basically fully dialated and effaced. She could see Punkin's feet. I chuckled. So not the appropriate thing to do, because deep down I KNEW that was bad, really bad. I guess it was one of those nervous reactions. Plus, it ment that Punkin was still hanging in there. For the time being, SHE was ok.

But would that last? Doc H was very calm, but I could see the worry in her eyes. I could deliver at any moment. If my water broke, I may not even have time to call a nurse in. And it was too early. Punkin wouldn't have a chance. None.

Doc H was going to have a perinatologist come up. If she thought it was feasible, and I wanted it, they might be able to try an emergency cerclage if the inverting me made my bag of waters recede. That had a bunch of risks in and of itself, but if it worked, it might buy us enough time. I had 3 options - let nature take its course, see if just strict bedrest would do the trick, or try the surgery. I asked Doc H what she would do. She just held my hand and said "I wouldn't do what most moms would do. I know too much." To this day, I don't really understand what that ment. I do know that I trusted her. She was also going to call Doc K and update him, even though it was supposed to be his weekend off.

Neo Doc K came in to see me. Immediately, I couldn't stand him. He was giving me the most awful news. If Punkin was born now, there was nothing they could do. We would just hold her and keep her comfortable until she died. If they even tried, she'd be in too much pain. That was the LAST thing I wanted. God forbid I lose my daughter, but just the thought of putting her through useless pain just to ease mine was sheer torture. I can't even put my feelings at that point into words. I hated him for saying all of this. I hated the pregnant people across the hall. I hated the nurses for not being able to do anything. I hated myself for not doing something different. I hated everyone.

If we could get to 23 weeks gestation, her chances weren't good, but she might have one. Most babies born at that point have serious, sometimes life-long problems. If Neo Doc K felt that the parents understood what that ment, he would try to save the baby. If we could make it to 24 weeks, that was better. Every single minute counted. One minute, one hour, one day, could make all the difference for the life of my daughter. Dear God, please just let me get to 23 weeks.

Perinatologist Doc F came in and examined me. It wasn't looking good. She again gave me my options. What was I supposed to do? Why delay the inevitable? But I had to give my baby girl a chance. I couldn't just give up on her. On us both. I said no to "nature." I said no to "wait and see." When she mentioned that we might be able to just terminate the pregnancy since she wasn't viable, I got angry. I told her that while I realize she might be legally required to tell me that, she was NEVER to mention that around me again. Period. I am pro-life. In all cases. This just strengthened my belief.

So we were going to cross our fingers and pray that we both made it to tomorrow morning. If we did, they'd try the surgery. I refused to be alone. If she was born and died before the morning, I needed some other person to be able to recognize that she was here. That she existed.

In hind-sight, I realize that no one thought we'd make it through the day. Every single medical person who came in had that look of doom on their face. Pity? Maybe. "I'm so glad it's not me?" Definitely. I can't blame them, but it was so awful. I was completely alone. I had failed. My 3rd time trying to become a mom, and I screwed this one up too. I was letting everyone down. David, my parents, my sisters, Jaime, but most of all my Punkin. Why was I doing this to her? I doubt I'll ever have that answer, and I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself.


  1. You didn't screw anything up. God has a plan for everybody; moms, dads, and kids. He knows which parents can handle these issues and which can't. You are a great Mom!! Remember that!


  2. Tasha, you screwed nothing up. You? Are an amazing Mom. Please never tell yourself different, okay, sweetie?


  3. Tasha you are truly the strongest person I have ever met in my life. I'm blessed and honored to have you as friend. You have been through so much as have your babies and your families. I love to see all the smiles and I know how happy you all are. I love you all and keep you in my prayers.


  4. Tasha I am so honored to know you. I am in awe of you and everything that you have gone through. YOU ARE an amazing Mom!!! Don't ever doubt that! You have two incredible, lucky little children because they have you as their Mommy!!

    Much love!!

  5. Tasha you need to stop being so hard on yourself! As you of all people know God has a plan and it's not always an easy one or the one that we hope for; but it's His plan. He sent you the two most perfect and precious children knowing that you would be an advocate and a wonderful steward of their souls. I am sorry that you feel like you have somehow let people down because you haven't. Try and focus on the incredible gift of Maryn. She is with you and you get to cuddle her daily. I know that you don't take that lightly and I know you realize that you are one of the lucky ones. It makes me sad though that you feel like you have somehow failed. You haven't and you won't. Just stay the course with God as your compass and you can't go wrong! hugs and prayers of peace for you.

  6. Tash - what amazes me about you & Maryn, and all the other Mommas with special babies is that you were clearly chosen by God to be the vessel to carry her and the mother to raise her. Another Mom may not have had the strength to to resist all the doom docs and fight for your baby. NEVER feel like that was failing her. This whole pregnancy, all pregnancies I feel, are in God's hands and out of our control. I know this did not happen they way you wanted and we may never know why God let it play out this way, but you are so blessed.
    P&PT - Emily (PAL ejl333)

  7. Tash -- wow -- this must have been so hard to write. I go about thinking that overall I do a decent job with the families I care for but this makes me realize it is never as good as it should have been. You Maryn is so special and such a blessing. You delivering early was in no way your fault and I hope no one ever made you feel like it was. It would be my honor to walk together at the March of Dimes walk this year. If you've never been there it is an awesome experience. More later.