Tsunami

First thing - stop trying to make me feel better.  It won't work.  And honestly, you'll just piss me off and alienate me in the meantime.

This grief things sucks ass.  Yesterday and today are really bad.  My eyes are so swollen from crying so much that it looks like I fought Mike Tyson and lost.  Everybody wants to fix it.  But there's nothing anyone can do.  I just found out that we got the autopsy report back.  No, I haven't looked.  I've had a few people look at it for me and give me a little bit of info.  SUDEP.  Sudden, unexplained death from epilepsy.  And of course they don't know exactly how this happens.  So I'll never really know if I had gotten up one more time if I could have saved him.  Of course family and friends are saying that it wouldn't have changed anything, but they don't know that.  I understand they are trying to make me feel better, but it feels like it's undermining me.  Placating me.  Wishful thinking.  The proverbial rose-colored glasses when no one knows what color they should be. 

I need someone to hug me and sit there in silence.  Don't try to fix it because you can't.  Hold my hand and just let me lean on you.  Like literally.  I may not be a touchy-feely person in general, but I need the human contact now.  And I can't deal with anyone else crying and being super upset either.  That makes me feel like I have to try and comfort someone else.  And I don't have that in me right now.  Call me selfish; I don't care.  It's taking all that I have to keep myself together (which is working about as well as a pair of rusty scissors).  And stop trying to make me talk about it.  I can't process this shit, so trying to make me express what's going through my mind confuses me, frustrates me, and makes me question everything.

I'm sure this wave will ebb and flow.  For the rest of my life.  Right now it's at a pretty high peak.  And he knows it.  He's still sending me signs.  And I need it right now more than ever.