April 6

Today is just a super sucky day in general.  Of course there are the "normal" things going on that stress any adult out.  But today is worse.  Not only am I trying to deal with the loss of my son, today is also the 11th angelversary of my first.  11 years ago today I lost my first to miscarriage.  I was roughly 8 weeks along.  We didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl, so we named her Taylor (my heart says girl).  I didn't know how I was going to survive that ordeal.

Now let's compound that with the grief I feel today.  And let me tell you, while both are devastating situations, there is also a HUGE difference.  Which makes me feel worse.  I sound like an awful person when I say that my miscarriage was "easier" than losing J.  Like losing one child is worse than losing another.  It sounds like I love one more than the other.  But that's so far from the truth.

With my miscarriage, I was grieving the loss of all of the hopes and dreams.  I will always wonder what she would have looked like, what she would have liked to do, etc.  But I also had no frame of reference.  With J, I miss everything.  I know what he looks like.  I miss that.  I know he likes to bounce.  I miss that.  I never got to hold Taylor's hand, but I did with J.  I miss that.  I miss feeling the prickliness of his hair.  I miss the drool spots on my shirt.  With J, I had actual experiences, so I have actual things/events/memories that I'm missing instead of just all of the "what ifs." 

So here I am today grieving my one and only son.  And grieving my first angel.  And feeling like the most awful mom for saying there IS a difference.