Today is just a super sucky day in general. Of course there are the "normal" things going on that stress any adult out. But today is worse. Not only am I trying to deal with the loss of my son, today is also the 11th angelversary of my first. 11 years ago today I lost my first to miscarriage. I was roughly 8 weeks along. We didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl, so we named her Taylor (my heart says girl). I didn't know how I was going to survive that ordeal.
Now let's compound that with the grief I feel today. And let me tell you, while both are devastating situations, there is also a HUGE difference. Which makes me feel worse. I sound like an awful person when I say that my miscarriage was "easier" than losing J. Like losing one child is worse than losing another. It sounds like I love one more than the other. But that's so far from the truth.
With my miscarriage, I was grieving the loss of all of the hopes and dreams. I will always wonder what she would have looked like, what she would have liked to do, etc. But I also had no frame of reference. With J, I miss everything. I know what he looks like. I miss that. I know he likes to bounce. I miss that. I never got to hold Taylor's hand, but I did with J. I miss that. I miss feeling the prickliness of his hair. I miss the drool spots on my shirt. With J, I had actual experiences, so I have actual things/events/memories that I'm missing instead of just all of the "what ifs."
So here I am today grieving my one and only son. And grieving my first angel. And feeling like the most awful mom for saying there IS a difference.