Thursday, May 27, 2010


When I first was hospitalized with M, before she was born, I obviously was distraught, confused, anxious, etc.  I didn't know what to do or how to get through this mess.  I was lucky enough to reconnect with a Jr. High friend of mine who had recently found herself in a similar predicament.  Ok, so we had a major falling-out, but we were young and dumb.  As adults in awful circumstances, we came back together. 

Tiffany's water broke with Justice around 22 weeks.  I was fully dialated with M at 22 weeks.  She was put on bedrest, trying to stave off contractions.  I was put on bedrest trying to stave off everything.  She lived in her hospital room.  I didn't move from mine (with the tornado being my one exception).  Her miracle was born very early - at 27 weeks in September 2008.  My miracle was born early - at 24 weeks in March 2009.

I leaned on her through my ordeal.  How did she survive the bedrest?  How did she deal with the constant fear?  How do you not drive yourself completely insane with "what ifs?"  Where do you turn when no one around you really knows what you are going through?  She gave me hope.  I'd look at pictures of her sweet boy and smile.  He gave me hope.  This is what this fight was all about.  Tiffany fought for and with her Justice.  I was fighting for and with my Maryn.

Justice came home the day before Christmas 2008 on oxygen, but not much other help.  What a gorgeous boy.  And I know his sisters were doting all over him.  But May 2010, a cold sent him back to the hospital.  It was actually the same weekend we were in the hossy after Maryn's latest surgeries.  He was having a hard time breathing.  Damn this BPD/chronic lung disease.  Justice progressively got worse and was transferred to a different hospital. 

All along, I thought he'd pull through it just like he fought off and won the fight against Swine flu last fall.  But this time, his lungs gave out last week.  Justice died in his Mommy's arms.  I have never been so devastated for someone else in my life.  It all happened too fast. 

Well-meaning people often say "I can only imagine what you are going through."  Most of the time, no, they can't.  But I can.  This is all-too real to me.  One serious illness with M, especially for the next several years, and we could be in the same boat.  In fact, she was dealing with lung disease at the same time.  The fear is crippling.  My baby girl fought this bout off.  But what about the next?  Justice and Tiffany were my "goal."  See, things really can be ok.  So while I'm grieving for the family that lost their precious boy, I'm also grieving for that one shining star in our preemie life that has now left us.

Justice, the world isn't as bright and cheery without you.  While we never met on earth, you have changed my life and the lives of so many.

Someone find me that hope and light again.  Fast, please.


  1. Oh sweet Tasha, I know I don't have words that will help you deal with your pain. The trials that you are going through with your beautiful children and then to lose an another child that was so central in your fight to save Maryn must be so very heartbreaking. I wish there was magic wand to wave and save you every heart stopping moment and fear that you are experiencing right now. When I get stressed out about my kid's issues (which I realize are no where near as severe as your beautiful children) I realize that I have to be thankful in the great things about my children and to let the bad things go. My children are my light and hope. I know your children are too. Everyone dies at some point, what we have to concentrate on is the living. Forget about the struggles and watch Maryn's beautiful face, even if it is for only a few minutes. You are struggling and fighting for her. Listen to little handsome Bug's :) laugh and know he is your light and hope. He has had so many struggles and setbacks but he doesn't let them get him down. He is such a sweet child and such a light. Fight for your children but don't let that fight overcome the beauty that is your kids. LOVE THEM and the let the light and hope that is in them shine in you. I pray for you and them a lot and I will pray that your friend can find peace in knowing that her beautiful Justice's struggles are now over and he rests peacefully and lovely in his home in heaven. He is Maryn's angel. He is watching over you guys and cheering you on giving you his light and home from his peaceful home in heaven.

    Alisha Cameron

  2. i am so sorry little justice is gone. i know it must be beyond terrifying to have someone in such a similar situation to maryn's just get sick so quickly like that. i am sure he is watching over maryn and helping her stay strong.

  3. Heartbreaking. Many prayers for your friend and her family. I hope that with time they can find peace and understanding.

  4. The part about how we were young and dumb made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the beautiful tribute. Try not to let the fear rule you. (Easier said than done, I know I know.) I'm so glad I lived each day to the fullest with JW. I've felt some guilt about not spending time doing another thing I'd commited to doing before JW was born. But I don't feel guilty anymore, because every minute spent away from that was time spent loving on my baby.

    My prayers are still with you and yours. Be strong.