6 months

I can't believe it's been six months.  The first six months of the rest of my awful life.  I hate my life now.  Don't lecture me about that; your words really wouldn't matter.  I've learned a few things along the way, so here's some advice.

1) NEVER compare losing a child to losing ANYONE else.  While you may be able to empathize to some extent, you'll never get it.  And I pray you never do.

2) Talk about him.  Don't be afraid to mention his name.  Share pictures and stories.

3) Yes, I still cry at the drop of a hat.  And no, there's nothing you can do about it.  Just give me a hug and hand me some kleenex.

4) Little shoulders can manage a lot.  M doesn't seem to mind that the weight of my being is on her shoulders.  In fact, she's pretty much mastered the "make mommy smile" move.

5) The little things still mean the world.  Donating $10 to the Epilepsy Walk we are doing touches me in a way I can't express.  And for those of you who are local and have joined our team, you are now family.  I truly love you.

6) Don't expect an "I'm fine" to the how-are-you question ever again.  I'll never be fine.  And if you're going to ask, I just might tell you the truth.  But if I do say "I'm fine," that's a pretty good hint that I don't want to deal with it today.

7) If you think of something you'd like to do to remember him, please do.  Yes, I'll probably cry.  But sending me a wall collage of all of the important men in your life, including J, is amazing.  You don't need to ask, but please share with me.

8) I'm still trying to find my new normal.  I have a feeling it's going to be a life-long search.  But some things haven't changed.  I still have two beautiful children who mean the world to me.  I'd die for them if I could.

9) I'm sure there's more, but I can't see through the tears anymore.

Time Hop

Time Hop on Facebook is a double edged sword.  Not how I needed to start this week.

I love seeing all the old posts, especially pictures of my kids.  Not that long ago, a picture of M sticking her tongue out like Gene Simmons came up.  Can't help but smile at something like that.  And shortly before that, I got to watch a video of J bouncing.  God I miss that.

Today wasn't as nice.  Showed a post from seven years ago.  Talking about J's first seizure the day before.  That was what started this whole nightmare.  I remember it like it was yesterday, literally.  M was in the hospital; pneumonia I think.  Nurse Mandi was in her room with me when I got the call from the kids' dad.  J had collapsed and started shaking.  I immediately said he needed to call for an ambulance, which he did.  I met them downstairs in the ER.  Yup, M was on 4th floor (I think it was 4) and J was in the ER.  He was alert by the time we all got there.  All the tests came back ok, so we were hoping it was a fluke.  Little did we know...