Justice

When I first was hospitalized with M, before she was born, I obviously was distraught, confused, anxious, etc.  I didn't know what to do or how to get through this mess.  I was lucky enough to reconnect with a Jr. High friend of mine who had recently found herself in a similar predicament.  Ok, so we had a major falling-out, but we were young and dumb.  As adults in awful circumstances, we came back together. 

Tiffany's water broke with Justice around 22 weeks.  I was fully dialated with M at 22 weeks.  She was put on bedrest, trying to stave off contractions.  I was put on bedrest trying to stave off everything.  She lived in her hospital room.  I didn't move from mine (with the tornado being my one exception).  Her miracle was born very early - at 27 weeks in September 2008.  My miracle was born early - at 24 weeks in March 2009.

I leaned on her through my ordeal.  How did she survive the bedrest?  How did she deal with the constant fear?  How do you not drive yourself completely insane with "what ifs?"  Where do you turn when no one around you really knows what you are going through?  She gave me hope.  I'd look at pictures of her sweet boy and smile.  He gave me hope.  This is what this fight was all about.  Tiffany fought for and with her Justice.  I was fighting for and with my Maryn.

Justice came home the day before Christmas 2008 on oxygen, but not much other help.  What a gorgeous boy.  And I know his sisters were doting all over him.  But May 2010, a cold sent him back to the hospital.  It was actually the same weekend we were in the hossy after Maryn's latest surgeries.  He was having a hard time breathing.  Damn this BPD/chronic lung disease.  Justice progressively got worse and was transferred to a different hospital. 

All along, I thought he'd pull through it just like he fought off and won the fight against Swine flu last fall.  But this time, his lungs gave out last week.  Justice died in his Mommy's arms.  I have never been so devastated for someone else in my life.  It all happened too fast. 

Well-meaning people often say "I can only imagine what you are going through."  Most of the time, no, they can't.  But I can.  This is all-too real to me.  One serious illness with M, especially for the next several years, and we could be in the same boat.  In fact, she was dealing with lung disease at the same time.  The fear is crippling.  My baby girl fought this bout off.  But what about the next?  Justice and Tiffany were my "goal."  See, things really can be ok.  So while I'm grieving for the family that lost their precious boy, I'm also grieving for that one shining star in our preemie life that has now left us.

Justice, the world isn't as bright and cheery without you.  While we never met on earth, you have changed my life and the lives of so many.

Someone find me that hope and light again.  Fast, please.