OYA 3/31

D-day.

We went on with the day as usual.  Sleeping in.  Eating.  Chatting with Gloria.  Etc.  That evening, my friend Kelly was nice enough to stop by to say hi.  She was telling me about her daughter Skylar's birthday party a few days earlier.  Sky is the smartest now-five-year-old I've ever met.  What a sweetheart.

During our visit, I had to use the bathroom.  About 7:30 pm.  LOTS of blood.  I mentioned it to Kelly, and understanding, she left as I called the nurse.  Guess who?  Nurse Alexa was back on.  Again, I could tell she was concerned.  It looked similar to the bleeding I had when I was admitted.  She called the resident.  About 10 minutes after calling for the nurse, I started vomitting.  And I was spiking a fever.  I tell you, that was horrifying.  Here I was, vomitting uncontrollable, knowing that with every retch, I was putting pressure on the cerclage that was my baby's only chance.  And of course trying NOT TO made things even worse.

They tried to get my anti-contraction meds down.  That lasted about 2 minutes.  My fever was now approaching 103*.  Something wasn't right.  At first, I wondered if I ate something iffy, but that wouldn't have such a fever effect that quickly. 

By 8:00, the verdict was in.  Alexa came in and said, "we are having a baby tonight."  The docs had decided that was our only chance since we didn't know what was going on.  Someone might as well have just collapsed both of my lungs.  Despite all the physical pain I was currently in, THAT was the news that literally took my breath away.  I couldn't breathe as the panic set in.  I begged them.  No, please.  Not now.  It's still too early.

I agreed to the surgery while begging for my husband, my mom and our priest.  I knew what lie ahead.  I just knew I was never going to be able to hold my baby girl.  Alexa and some other nurses came in with the paperwork and to do all the pre-op stuff.  I was pleading with Alexa - if this was going to happen, would she please be there.  Don't leave me.  If I had been well enough to open my eyes, I am sure the room would have been spinning.  My mom made it back to the hospital just before I was rolled to the OR.  I asked her to watch over Punkin.

I don't remember getting to the OR.  I guess I was in and out of consciousness by this time.  In the OR, things went quickly.  Spinal went in fairly easily.  And the c-section was underway.  Despite the sheer terror (and fever) that was causing me to shake uncontrollably, seeing Doc K made me believe that this WAS the right thing.  And Doc H, who admitted me, was assisting.  They would do everything they could.  And the nasty Neo Doc K was already there.  That made me feel better.  While last time, he was telling me my baby had no chance at that point, now he was there and was going to try and save her.  I saw a bunch of other people in the room, but I had no idea who they were.

About 9:10, yes less than 2 hours after the ordeal started, I asked David to let me know when she was born.  He told me she had been out for about 10 minutes.  I didn't even know my baby girl was officially here.  Or if she was alive.  She was born at 8:59 PM, weighing 1 pound 12 ounces (790 grams), measuring 12 1/2 inches long.  And yes, she was alive.  For the moment.  The neo group had gotten the breathing tube in and were now going to transport her down to 5th floor (I was still on 9) to Children's NICU.  I got a quick glimpse.  She WAS alive!  Lying on her right side, she had one eye open.  It wasn't much, but she was fighting.  Right from the start.

Now my moment of weakness for which I will never forgive myself.  I asked David to stay with me and let my mom go with the baby.  How could a mother do that?  I always said that he was to be with our children!  Now here I was being entirely selfish.  I was the reason she was having to fight so early, and now I was leaving her alone. 

They closed me up and took out the cerclage.  Somehow, I got to they recovery room.  Again, in and out.  The palpating of the abdomen was something awful, but it needed to be done.  But once again, my nurse in recovery was REALLY pregnant.  I wanted to hit someone.  Why?  Why would they think this assignment was appropriate?  Doc K was in there a lot.  I didn't know what was going on.  I knew I would bleed even after a c-section, but they kept checking to see how much I was bleeding.  I was getting so tired at this point.  I couldn't fight sleep any longer.

Black.