Yup, earlier this week, Doodle made her appearance. Lucia Elizabeth was born on Mardi Gras. Dude, if her birthday is any sign, please pray for her parents! :P She is this cute, little, beautiful, hairy, perfect bundle. I am so lucky to be her aunt. Carrie and Dan surprised me by asking me to be her godmother too! Ok, so I was silently pining for that honor, but I didn't want to say anything. After all, I'm not her only aunt. Must learn to share. We've already decided that Lucy and Maryn are destined to be the best of friends. And Jaime is going to be big brother to both of them, watching out for them while teasing the bejeezus outta them too. He's a proud cousin, and I'm sure he's going to love on Doodle as he still calls her once things get settled.
But at the same time, please forgive me for my feelings. I can't say what I really want to. While I am SO truly happy for my wonderful sister, I am also jealous and in pain. I am jealous of how smooth her surgery and pregnancy went. I am jealous that she got to have that BIG (adorable) round belly. I'm jealous that Lucy's daddy got to hold her moments after taking her first breath instead of having a tube shoved down her throat. I am jealous of the lack of worry, or at least the lack of worrying about life and death issues. I mourn the fact that I will never know what it will be like to be 39 weeks pregnant. I mourn the lack of screeching cries that I have yet to hear. I mourn not being able to hold my Princess until she was weeks old. I mourn the "normalcy" that I will never know. Holland is beautiful, and I wouldn't change it. But I sure would like a vacation to Paris or Rome from time to time.
Please don't judge me. I love my kids and wouldn't change them for the world. I am the luckiest mom. And I would not wish my ordeal on my worst enemy - seriously and completely. I can deal. But sometimes I don't want to. I will pay my penance for whatever I have done or failed to do. Yes, I may complain and whine and sulk from time to time. But I will continue the fight. But why should my precious children have to deal with such trials when they are entirely innocent?
those feelings sound so normal to me. it is hard to put into words, how we can be so happy for people and at the same time, it makes us a little sad and jealous too because why shouldn't things have been that way for us? but like you said, at the same time we would wish all of our sadness and pain and worry on no one. hugs and enjoy your new niece!
ReplyDeleteTasha your feelings are completely normal, okay, and understandable. Please don't feel bad for having them. *hugs*
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